This went on for a couple of weeks and I had to take leave from work during that time. Trying to understand why in this mess. Or knows. I am all over it. The money factor in our case, not that were talking crazy amounts but its enough for someone to run away for a few years lets put it that way. You will find your direction and you will survive no matter the outcome. Take care of you..listen to your heart. Except like the rest of us we have bad choosers. Your h, and mine and everyone elses, cheated because they wanted to, they could, they believed they deserved it, they believed wed never find out etc. Dont throw the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak . They have the first contact which is nothing. To get in the mood for freedom, yesterday I read the asshole article written by Doug. I have been keeping things cordial and helpful, as always, but not pushing and certainly not talking about anything except work. I am grateful for the support I have received here. I said really 36 years and I get a handshake? I still face many personal challenges and I guess I will until the end of life. This is not a new phenomenon and some women did so even at a time when such actions were akin to social suicide. You have offered an opportunity to R. Its his decision now. Love the life boat analogy Puzzled. Me: Silence. I get that. Am I expected to stay out in this savanna by myself and survive??? For me there is no feeling of abandonment, I WAS abandoned!! Ignore that shit. And Satori: I think we all get to a point of clarity and strength. Ever since he had this A, though H is trying to walk away, sabotage it, it seems like he wants a totally new life. I look back and know that shed checked out on me in early 2015. So incredible! For example, when the groom puts the ring on the bride's finger in the registry office, God forbid it falls! I bet almost every BS has heard this. There has been a lot of discussion of the MLC reality even on this thread while I dont feel it is the key driver in my case, it sure felt like a factor, even if a minor one. I just found out the hard way that even being considerate and nice my H just found new ways to justify his behaviour and keep detaching from me. Runaway Bride: Directed by Garry Marshall. I just thought a casual dinner at our local Thai might bring some normalcy back into the picture. I feel scarred. If you follow their advice to the letter they can save you a lot of heartache. Im trying to communicate there are serious issues here. It is so important to keep a clear head during these times. You see he found out that when he was cheating on ME his girlfriend was cheating on him!!! Thank you for the great post and article! Then he will know exactly how it feels. And again DO NOT TALK ABOUT SPLITTING STUFF AMICABLY WITH HIM. It helped. When I breathed my last breath, you were on my mind. ! Kind makes the crying baby on a flight look normal. Meanwhile my Plan B is formulating. It is a hard to describe living with your H and feeling like you are bring compared to the OW. Just proves you raised someone with core integrity and a strong set of values.You truly deserve a son like that because you yourself are clearly loyal! They are here because they are unselfish women who have tremendous empathy for others. Only thru forgiveness can you let go and heal. Learn to hear the inner voice, and not succumb to the influence of others. You must strengthen your identity without your spouse. One of my most profound memories is the time he took a Dale Carnegie class. Do we rescue them? But he knew I meant business. I was doing a damn good job. See you recognize an isdue and deal with it. How can we move forward and get past it. While this behavior may be found more commonly in men, women certainly are not immune to such behavior. And right then I swear this happened! For the record, he denied it. To lose your spouse, your social life as a couple, your job (me eventually), property etc. I know that. Dont hate her just dont like wearing hearing aids all the time. I was sooo groomed, it is nuts how much I made him the epicenter of my life. He agreed to sign the paperwork in a couple of days when he comes over to do some business stuff. And I already do yoga. This can be a lot more convoluted and trickier for you. He said it wasnt physical and I called bulkshit on that. And if he does choose R will he have the commitment to weather the storm and really stay committed to it? Had I had this group I would have known not to do that and pay attention to his actions. I think you will find a lot of support here and a lot of good information. I got a hug that had about as much warmth as a shipping container. Shes also a big fat narcissist. I was willing to give him all the time and space he needed. Then another. Not to her at least. The last two lines are this, I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference. And I hope I can continure go pay it forward and that other posters find my suggestions and advice helpful. I will not go to IC either. I cant imagine if Id had little ones. I know it doesnt seem like it now but he is lost right now. Because that is what they have set in motion. Im so off text messages anywayI cant stand them right now! Gird your loins where my final words that day. But I love the honesty and rawness of TH too. Current mood? Your question made me go back and look at some of my journal entries.over the last three and half years. Case in point hes with you and says YES to MC but 24 hours later he changed his mind. Have a great time. Thats good. You will heal. Hes fine. When I was unhappy about things in my life I never told him but made changes in ME. The power is with you. Now you know. But i WAS right. Youre in one or the other regardless of the event. At least encourage my H to do the right thing. they cant reconcile his actions with who they thought he was. Rachel I dont know how you havent maimed or killed him. Stay away from Ambien, no seriously that stuff is BAD news! Ugh. Can one really have 2 midlife crisis?? No I dont advocate doing the pick ME dance. As I said I finally got the whole story on July 31, 2011 on our drive back out to CO. Satori That somehow I was making this up. Thanks for checking in. Basically the second he was out the door, he was 100% done, no explanation given no interest nor regard for me or my wellbeing just nothing. Youd like her. Think I got my posts mixed in my reply below. Whatever he thought it was and however he tried to make it come across as (empty words? He didnt have OW around he left b/c he couldnt live like in that environment and nothing being addressed anymore. H: Can we talk about this later?. Stay away from him. Never stop being you. I have a feeling you are in good hands. Some M CANNOT be saved for valid reasons. Hes making the moves. One of my friends suggested this will pass when his exams are over and I think she is right, but they are just reliving the awful parts of their childhood and trying to do it over again. The reasons for this behavior lie in personality psychology. To all that I say take that Golden SOB for as much as you can!! Cue more of the ritual humiliation of the Betrayed which Im just discovering is the true legacy of life after a Cheater. I believe most things can be addressed and fixed but this is a little bizarre. Indeed I saw the same red flags of non action. Of course he had no answer. Yes you do have a long road ahead of you but remember it was his behavior that was Less than, not yours. I played dumb and said I was just sitting still honouring my marriage vows, trying to cope with a lot of cruel treatment but that there was a small window of forgiveness but that it involved massive action by H. A pathway existed to R but he had to put in huge actions to show true remorse and it had to happen very soon but that at some point Id have to protect myself too. 3. My feeling is that he enjoys the idea that he can come back to me, it puffs up his ego that all Im waiting on is for his return. I have an attorney and my therapist on speed dial shoukd I have even a suspicion or hint if anything I dont like. Parents need to know that the comedy Runaway Bride is fairy-tale light and will appeal to tweens and teens, as well as adults who like their romance on the fantasy side rather than dealing with real, flawed people and thorny situations. And I was still on that roller coaster ride. Hes made this mess and I have a stinkin feeling he knows it. Thank you SingleDad. Lol. All I can say is that I do feel as though I am dealing with a particularly difficult toddler / child. Thanks for your insight TFW. Some of us drone on and on and are repetitive and then some of us like to throw some spicy words out for general impact and sometimes even laughs. SatoriBwahaha yes indeed he has the crap client!!! Every calming mantra I had in my arsenal went out the window! Find one that is well versed in infidelity. He sure as hell better work his butt off to earn your respect, your trust, and your heart. <- THIS. If you suggest something shot down. At first I believed it and tried harder (the first 3 months after DDay1) b/c I thought the A was over. I hope you are keeping him sane and protected from the bad influences of his mother. As you read on DDay I was stripping wall paper. Even after DDay and first apology. Our three-year relationship had been characterized by fun, common hobbies, similar life experiences, and love of travel and writing. And thats what makes me angry! Apparently, I was deemed codependent also and I had suffered from bouts of general anxiety. Thank you for your support. As I read your story it makes me shudder how ugly my own situation could have become if my husband had chosen the path of continuing contact with the OW. My brother said it is an attention getting stunt to deflect from the damage he has done. But infidelity is a non negotiable. I am sick to my stomach at the prospect. Its normal. Why, oh why, would you be sojourning at the beach during the season of Winter?? I told her recently that I am not sure how much longer I can take it. Oh and I cant believe your H got angry about not being able to be with OW even while you were in the same house still!! Satori They act out, having multiple affairs, mistresses, girlfriends, boyfriends, secretly on the side. As well as other peoples well meaning if completely superficial responses to what theyre prefer we did (e.g. Herobuilders, a manufacturer of action figures, rushed to produce a doll representing Wilbanks, wearing a jogging suit bearing the slogan "Vegas baby". It has helped take a step back so many times..and sometimes its amazing how that can change the dynamics of what is going on. He will move in with his girlfriend and have very little contact with the wife and the children. Reel me back in. We were young (about 20), but still. It is what bonds them together right now babe us vs wife bonding syndrome as I call it. Not being selfish and mean and vindictive. At this point so much has happened on top of the A. Its a complicated layer cake now. Nothing was off the table and while there were a few flashes of anger still by me, mostly it was calm and even loving at times. That was a red flag but I cant prove anything. The worst part is he keeps making them. They are grabbing onto life rafts but they are sinking in slow motion I have come to realise. But it was a long hard 6 months that caused me to lose hope along the way. Forced into a split reality, one in which the person is as vulnerable and victimised as they wish you to believe and the other in which you see shadowy, fleeting signs of something else entirely: This leads to crushing feelings of frustrating isolation as you feel like you are the only one on the planet who can see this gaping disparity in the person and its impossible to explain to anyone not experiencing the abuse directlyAs though following some kind of sick Covert Narcissists Guidebook To Abuse they follow a protocol of denial, contempt, reframing, reblaming and shaming the person who presents them with evidence of their lies. Shes never inner very much. Who knows. Take care of you. I should have stayed neutral sympathetic to her and stopped there. Well I dint exactly get the gold medal for MILs according to my DILs. Ive got 15 years to show for my involvement. Satori. And thats when things started to change. Ah TryingHard, Looking forward to Part 2 of your crazy. Most of all, the monster swore on the Bible that there was NOT another woman and yelled that he was not that kind of man. But this time there would be no trauma or drama. Wow. However, this behavior is part and parcel of narcissistic behavior. In a word - to grow. This was around the middle of April. Let him know any kind of discussion toward possible reconciliation is on the table for a while, but nothing legal. The shock has been so intense and Ive struggled to process it. Satori needs to be taught a lesson and we endorse GoldenCHild giving her the lesson she needs no matter how painful or unwarranted she will say it is. No one is perfect, yet God still loves you. Yes, there have been spouses (both male and female) who have taken out secret credit cards using their spouses or even childrens social security numbers. Im ready to go, Ive done all my sums. Scroll past. And he didnt fit the profile of a cheater other than keeping that damn phone attached to himself. One person is replaceable with anotherone wife with another, one child or two children with others. I do understand if you find it offensive however we are all grown ups here and this is a free space. He could not stop crying. On some days that fear is overwhelming. And when the OW tried to start up a third time he immediately showed me the email and never responded. So how is it some men have them and some dont? I pray you receive Gods Grace to do the humanly impossible. Keeping that damn phone attached to himself ah TryingHard, Looking forward Part! All my sums save you a lot more convoluted and trickier for you of weeks and I guess will. Me dance stand them right now babe us vs wife bonding syndrome as call... Not TALK about this later? less than, not yours my said! Actions were akin to social suicide and this is not a new phenomenon and some?! With the wife and the children not yours your crazy aids all the time over. 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